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" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

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" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. "

" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

" If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" Women love a self-confident bald man. "

" I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" I don't have many friends. "

" There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable! "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" Most people think I'm immodest. "

" I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

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" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "