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" I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous. "

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" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. "

" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "

" I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable! "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" I have no secrets. "

" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "

" I believe in something. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" Drugs scared me. "

" The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial. "

" Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that. "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "

" If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "