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" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

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" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" Children make your life important. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "