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" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
Erma Bombeck
Keeps
Gift
Giving
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" I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. "
Jeff Dunham
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" O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. "
Saint Augustine
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" It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are. "
Matt Lauer
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" I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. "
Heath Ledger
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" I am built funny. Picture Mark Twain's head on Ichabod Crane's body. Now hold your mental picture to the light and crumple it. "
Donald McCaig
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" I love Felicity Jones. It was funny because I went to go see the 'Rogue One' set, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I love you.' And she's so tiny, and elegant, and she's just so small. Everyone's so much smaller than they seem. "
Daisy Ridley
You
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" I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. "
David Lee Roth
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Out
" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "
Spike Milligan
Long
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Five
" Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that. "
Ice Cube
Dark
Fantasy
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" It's funny, I get a little quieter with time. I don't want to chase my tail and one day repeat myself and repeat myself and one day have kids going to college and not have memories that I should, because I was too busy doing my thing. "
Dave Matthews
Time
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" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "
Robin Williams
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" If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "
Laurence J. Peter
Try
Two
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" It's funny, I listen to friends who talk about back when they were 14, eight, 16, whatever, as if it was yesterday. Me, I've no idea what I did. It's all a blur, I'm afraid. "
Catherine McCormack
Me
Back
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" If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. "
Marlon Wayans
Monkey
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" I like children - fried. "
W. C. Fields
Like
Children
Fried
" Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. "
Eminem
Circle
Trust
Small
" When a dramatic actor does a funny film, people are like, 'Wonderful! I didn't know he was funny!' But when it flips, people can get really thrown by it. "
Will Ferrell
People
Film
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" There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. "
Don Herold
About
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Neat
" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "
Spike Milligan
Sure
Sit
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" Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. "
Charles Kettering
One Thing
Tax
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" Be obscure clearly. "
E. B. White
Funny
Clearly
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" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "
Fred Allen
Down
Funny
Him
" I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. "
Richard Lewis
Funny
Back
Trying
" My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. "
Jay London
Me
Mood
Playground
" All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. "
Jane Wagner
Always
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Now
" To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground. "
Roger Federer
Good
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" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "
J. D. Salinger
You
Funny
Anything
" I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. "
Jack Benny
Funny
Either
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" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "
Erma Bombeck
Time
Home
Job
" A word to the wise is infuriating. "
Hunter S. Thompson
Word
Wise
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