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" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

Erma Bombeck

Sand

Sunny

Out

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" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "

" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

Erma Bombeck

Week

Anything

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

Erma Bombeck

World

Look

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

Erma Bombeck

Say

Our

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

Erma Bombeck

Food

Politics

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

Erma Bombeck

Try

Keep

" Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. "

Erma Bombeck

Looking

Live

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "