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" Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. "

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" I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. "

" In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. "

" Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. "

" Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. "

" Golf is a good walk spoiled. "

" Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. "

" The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. "

" One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. "

" Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. "

" It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. "

" When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. "

" I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. "

" No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. "

" It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. "

" The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. "

" It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. "

" I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. "

" Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. "

" The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. "

" Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. "

" Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. "

" I can live for two months on a good compliment. "

" Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. "

" The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.' "

" I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. "

" Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. "

" Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. "

" Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written. "

" My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. "

" Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. "