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" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

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" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" Children make your life important. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "

" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "