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" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

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" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "

" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "

" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "

" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "

" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "

" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "