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" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "
" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "
" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "
" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "
" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "
" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "
" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "
" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "
" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "
" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "
" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "
" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "
" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "
" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "
" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "
" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "