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" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

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" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "

" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "

" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "

" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "

" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "