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" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
Woody Allen
Numbered
Days
Why
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" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
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" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "
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Nothingness
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" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "
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Peace
War
Twenty
" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "
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" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
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Illusion
Everything
Nothing
" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
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Steal
Back
Go
" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
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Look
Never
Been
" Marriage is the death of hope. "
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Marriage
Death
Hope
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
Woody Allen
Height
Team
Because
" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "
Woody Allen
Guy
Hit
Some
" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
Woody Allen
Armenian
Tried
Suicide
" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "
Woody Allen
Any
Time
Rest
" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "
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I Am
Milk
Nose
" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
Woody Allen
Humor
Funny
Think
" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "
Woody Allen
Last Night
Last
Luck
" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
Woody Allen
Television
Life
Art
" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
Woody Allen
Opposition
God
Loyal
" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "
Woody Allen
TV
California
Away
" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "
Woody Allen
Plans
Tell
Want
" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
Woody Allen
Live
Want
Give
" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "
Woody Allen
You
Talent
Being Happy
" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "
Woody Allen
Bankruptcy
Lack
Moral
" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
Woody Allen
Enjoy
People
World
" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
Woody Allen
Will
Want
Sick
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
Woody Allen
Beverly Hills
Garbage
Television
" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "
Woody Allen
Decision
Just
House
" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
Woody Allen
Showing Up
Up
Success Is
" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "
Woody Allen
Only
Money
Better
" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
Woody Allen
Education
Teacher
Teachers
" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "
Woody Allen
Dessert
Drama
Meat