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" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
Woody Allen
Try
Finding
God
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" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
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" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "
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" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
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" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "
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" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "
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" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
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" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "
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" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "
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" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "
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" When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. "
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" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
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" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
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" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
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" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
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" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
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" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
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" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "
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" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
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" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "
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" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
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Divided
Life
" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "
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" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
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" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "
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Call
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