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All Quotes by author - Rodney Dangerfield

" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "

" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "

" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "

" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "

" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "

" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "

" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "

" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "

" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "

" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "

" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "

" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "

" I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "

" I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "

" I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. "

" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "

" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "

" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "

" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "

" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "

" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "

" Life is just a bowl of pits. "

" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "

" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "

" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "

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