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" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Drink
Too Much
Time
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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Life
Food
My Life
" With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! "
Rodney Dangerfield
Nothing
Night
Wife
" My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Stuck
She
Got
" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
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Hope
World
Seventy
" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Find
Clock
Big
" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Men
Who
Without
" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Friend
She
" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Real
Tough
Some
" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Him
Birds
Me
" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Reading
Library
Face
" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Wife
Years
Interrupt
" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "
Rodney Dangerfield
She
Dark
Wife
" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
She
Day
Me
" When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Parents
Lot
Kid
" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Together
Marriage
Dinner
" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Goodness
Wife
Good
" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Kept
Covering
Up
" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Fight
Sports
Out
" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Wife
She
Sex
" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Tree
Up
Family
" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Sexy
Me
Home
" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Parents
Bath
Tell
" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Came
Wallet
Picture
" I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Girl
Myself
Last Night
" On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Like
Looking
Halloween
" I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Time
Father
He
" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Respect
Get
Way
" My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Calendar
Know
Wife
" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Pet
Tree
Up
" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Control
Birth
Boy