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" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Respect
Get
Way
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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
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Life
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" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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Kept
Covering
Up
" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
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Came
Wallet
Picture
" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
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Hide
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" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "
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She
Dark
Wife
" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
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Find
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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
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Medical
Born
Doctor
" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
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Sex
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" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "
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Wife
Years
Interrupt
" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Men
Who
Without
" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Got
Arm
Favorite
" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "
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Met
Me
He
" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
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Drink
Too Much
Time
" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Control
Birth
Boy
" I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Girl
Myself
Last Night
" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
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Sexy
Me
Home
" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Drinking
Know
Juice
" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Real
Tough
Some
" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Pet
Tree
Up
" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Wife
She
Sex
" With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! "
Rodney Dangerfield
Nothing
Night
Wife
" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Together
Marriage
Dinner
" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Goodness
Wife
Good
" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Reading
Library
Face
" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Born
Morning
Had
" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Fat
Only
Funny
" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Met
Years
Wife
" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Birthday
Woman
Respect
" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Hope
World
Seventy
" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Pet
Big
Ask