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" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "

Rodney Dangerfield

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" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "

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" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "

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" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "

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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "

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" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "

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" My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. "

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" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "

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" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "

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" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

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" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "

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" I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. "

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" I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "

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" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "

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" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "

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" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "

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" On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! "

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" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "

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" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

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" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "

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" Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "

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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "

Rodney Dangerfield