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" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Find
Clock
Big
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" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
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" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
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" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
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Way
" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
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Too Much
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" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
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Ask
" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
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Life
Food
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" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "
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Surgeon
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" Life is just a bowl of pits. "
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Just
" When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "
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Parents
Lot
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" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
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Birthday
Woman
Respect
" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "
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Him
Birds
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" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "
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Met
Me
He
" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "
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Used
Feed
Ugly
" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Hide
Emotions
Time
" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "
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Me
Said
Day
" Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "
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Got
Pet
Egypt
" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
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Fight
Sports
Out
" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
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Two
Truth
Me
" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Kept
Covering
Up
" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "
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Met
Years
Wife
" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
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Came
Wallet
Picture
" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
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Pet
Tree
Up
" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "
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Marriage
She
Tough
" On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "
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Like
Looking
Halloween
" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
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Sexy
Me
Home
" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
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Wife
She
Sex
" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "
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She
Dark
Wife
" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
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Sex
Life
" My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. "
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Calendar
Know
Wife
" My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. "
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Stuck
She
Got