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" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Real
Tough
Some
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" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "
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" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
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" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "
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Morning
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" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
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" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
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" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "
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Met
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" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "
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Him
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" I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "
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Girl
Myself
Last Night
" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
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Electric
Chair
Uncle
" My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. "
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Stuck
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" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
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Reading
Library
Face
" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
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Parents
Bath
Tell
" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
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She
Day
Me
" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
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Me
Friend
She
" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "
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Tree
Up
Family
" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "
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Together
Marriage
Dinner
" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
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Sex
Life
" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
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Drink
Too Much
Time
" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
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Birthday
Woman
Respect
" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
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Medical
Born
Doctor
" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
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Wife
She
Sex
" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
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Find
Clock
Big
" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "
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Me
Said
Day
" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
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Hope
World
Seventy
" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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Kept
Covering
Up
" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
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Fat
Only
Funny
" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
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Sexy
Me
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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
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Life
Food
My Life