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" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Came
Wallet
Picture
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" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
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" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
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" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
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" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "
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" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "
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" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
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" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "
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" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
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" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
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" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "
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" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
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" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
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" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
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" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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Kept
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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
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" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
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