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" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Goodness
Wife
Good
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" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
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" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
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" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
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" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "
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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
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" Life is just a bowl of pits. "
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" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
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" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "
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Met
" I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "
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" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
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" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
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Sexy
Me
Home
" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "
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Me
Said
Day
" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
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Me
Friend
She
" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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Kept
Covering
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" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
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Sports
Out
" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
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Respect
Get
Way
" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
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Sex
Life
" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "
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Him
Birds
Me
" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
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Came
Wallet
Picture
" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
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Parents
Bath
Tell
" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
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Control
Birth
Boy
" My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. "
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Calendar
Know
Wife
" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
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Her
Wife
Up
" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "
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Marriage
She
Tough
" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "
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Met
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He
" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
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Electric
Chair
Uncle
" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "
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Opinion
Me
You
" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "
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Together
Marriage
Dinner
" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "
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Morning
Hear
Laughing