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" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "

Rodney Dangerfield

Two

Truth

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" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "

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Family

" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "

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Him

Birds

" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "

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She

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" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "

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Opinion

You

" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "

" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "

" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "

" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "

" With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! "

" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "

" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "

" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "

" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "

" Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' "

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Bartender

Know

" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "

" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "