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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Reading
Library
Face
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" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
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" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
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" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
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" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
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" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
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" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
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" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
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" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
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" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "
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" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
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" Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' "
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" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
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" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
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Too Much
Time
" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
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" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "
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" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
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" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
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Sex
Life
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Wife
" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
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Fight
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" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
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