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All Quotes by author - George Carlin
" Always do whatever's next. "
Whatever
Always
Next
" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "
Person
Dinner
Always
" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "
Atheism
Organization
" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "
Truth
Communication
Language
" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "
Death
Over
Period
" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "
Petty
Things
Sweaty
" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. "
You
Good Example
Good
" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "
Organized
Electricity
Funny
" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "
Belief
You
Soul
" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "
Than
Maniac
Going
" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "
True
Alone
Little
" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "
Charge
Out
Just
" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "
Beat
You
Beaten
" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. "
Just
Authority
Believe
" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "
Listening
Always
Someone
" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "
Own
Together
Us
" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. "
Break
Will
Hell
" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "
First
Person
Left
" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "
Disappointed
Inside
Idealist
" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "
Professional
Better
Building
" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "
Think
People
Memories
" I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. "
Work
Think
People
" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "
Older
More
Me
" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "
Purpose
She
Section
" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "
Want
Group
Guy
" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "
Mean
Left
Monkey
" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "
House
Funny
Evil
" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "
Money
Work
Quit
" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "
Only
About
Know
" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "
Like
Never
Sure
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