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" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

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" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" The funny thing about the people I don't like - they're very self-centered. "

" I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. "

" You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. "

" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. "

" People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. "

Political Party

" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "

" What was funny if you were there is that we were all immensely sophisticated people who knew exactly what she was going to say and we're chatting away, nice to see you. "

" People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. "

" The status quo sucks. "

" I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't. "

Seann William Scott

" Everybody complains about getting older, but I find it such a rich time of life. There are negative things about it, I suppose, but more than that, I'm finding it to be a very positive experience in which growth suggests itself in a much more alluring way than it did when I was young - isn't that funny? "

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. "

" If you're public speaking, imagine yourself feeling confident; if you're nervous about a date and thinking, 'I'm gonna be a dork,' picture yourself being funny. Then it will be familiar to your brain. "

Lindsey Stirling

" A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. "

" One man's folly is another man's wife. "

" I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. "

" Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. "

" I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. "

" My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain. "

" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore. "

" Tell me I'm beautiful, it's nothing. Tell me I'm intellectual - I know it. Tell me I'm funny, and it's the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. "

" With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. "