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" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

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" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "