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" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

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" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "