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" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "
Tom Lehrer
You
Three
Box
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" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "
Tom Lehrer
Relationships
People
Think
" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "
Tom Lehrer
You
Your
Be Prepared
" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "
Tom Lehrer
Writing
Night
Me
" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "
Tom Lehrer
Writing
Quit
Now And Then
" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "
Tom Lehrer
Looks
Bad Weather
Window
" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "
Tom Lehrer
Adolescence
Trying
Maturity
" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "
Tom Lehrer
Easy
Irreverence
Wit
" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "
Tom Lehrer
Talent
Ego
Her
" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "
Tom Lehrer
Dead
Age
Been
" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "
Tom Lehrer
Get
You
Sewer
" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "
Tom Lehrer
Really
He
Like
" San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. "
Tom Lehrer
San
City
Kids
" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "
Tom Lehrer
Out
Figure
Problem
" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "
Tom Lehrer
Girl
College
You
" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "
Tom Lehrer
Performer
Really
Temperament
" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "
Tom Lehrer
Right
Always
Night
" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "
Tom Lehrer
Play
Did
Apart
" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "
Tom Lehrer
Trying
Right
Myself
" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "
Tom Lehrer
Time
Love
Style
" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "
Tom Lehrer
Flattery
People
Interesting
" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "
Tom Lehrer
Shut Up
People
I Wish
" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "
Tom Lehrer
Loved
Worth
Say
" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "
Tom Lehrer
Than
Sex
You
" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "
Tom Lehrer
Been
Thought
Age
" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "
Tom Lehrer
Think
Stop
People
" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "
Tom Lehrer
Like
Hate
Know
" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "
Tom Lehrer
Friends
Money
Fun
" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "
Tom Lehrer
Me
Audience
College
" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "
Tom Lehrer
Like
Life
Piano
" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "
Tom Lehrer
Army
Race
Color