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" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

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" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. "

" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "