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" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

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" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "