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" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

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" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "