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" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "
Tom Lehrer
Person
Feels
He
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" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "
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" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "
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" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "
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" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "
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" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "
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" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "
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" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "
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" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "
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Been
Thought
Age
" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "
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Always
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" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "
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Performer
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Temperament
" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "
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Relationships
People
Think
" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "
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Flattery
People
Interesting
" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "
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Just
You
Thumbs
" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "
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Dead
Age
Been
" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "
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Think
Stop
People
" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "
Tom Lehrer
Easy
Irreverence
Wit
" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "
Tom Lehrer
Shut Up
People
I Wish
" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "
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Girl
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Now
" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "
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Nobel
Satire
Political
" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "
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Get
You
Sewer
" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "
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Me
Audience
College
" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "
Tom Lehrer
Out
Figure
Problem
" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "
Tom Lehrer
Offensive
Satirical
Somebody
" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "
Tom Lehrer
Writing
Quit
Now And Then
" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "
Tom Lehrer
Adolescence
Trying
Maturity
" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "
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Like
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Know
" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "
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Peace
Satire
Prize
" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "
Tom Lehrer
Looks
Bad Weather
Window
" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "
Tom Lehrer
Myself
Job
Anything
" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "
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Talent
Ego
Her