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All Quotes by author - Tom Lehrer

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

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