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" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

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" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "