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" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

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" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

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" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "