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" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

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" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "