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" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

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" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" San Francisco is a city of twenty-something millionaire white kids named Doug. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "

" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "