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" Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. "

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" Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. "

Charles Dudley Warner

" To me, wealth is the peace of mind you have, your family, your friends, your colleagues. Everything else is just money, and it really is funny how people pay so much attention to that. "

Ricardo Salinas Pliego

" Eyebrows are really important because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my girlfriends' eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family - my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up. "

" The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't. "

" Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.' "

" I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That's how you know someone is clever. They don't come out and tell you pi to 13 places - they tell you a joke. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you think that perhaps could become your sound, too. I did that with Hemingway, and I thought I was writing just like Hemingway. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me - he didn't have a sense of humor. I don't know anything he's written that's funny. "

" It seems like everybody's perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance. "

" It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. "

Arnold Schwarzenegger

" I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. "

" Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out. "

" Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. "

" A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' "

" Any joke can be funny, but not any joke is funny. Any joke has the potential to be hilarious to you, but more importantly, the joke has the potential to not be funny to you but to someone else. "

Phoebe Robinson

" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

" At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. "

" I think anyone who has, you know, is in any sort of artistic pursuit, kind of goes up and down with the way they feel about their work. And I, for the most part, am pretty happy person. But, yeah. I go through definite periods of time where I'm not funny. I'm not good. I'm - I don't feel original. "

" From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. "

" I'm a funny guy. You've got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once. "

" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business. "

" You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. "

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

" Personally, I feel like I'm trying to redefine what a really good rapper can be like. Like, I think it's not often where a good rapper can be making funny music. "

" Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it's natural. "

Shaquille O'Neal

" The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. "

Terry Pratchett

" Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it. "

" It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different. "