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" A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' "
Claude Pepper
Value
Year
Green
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" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Evening
Wonderful
Had
" I used to work at NASA in Virginia. It was nothing glamorous; I was just tasked with making code compile for obscure projects, and I wasn't very good at it. Now I spend most of my time drawing pictures and looking at funny things on the Internet, which in retrospect is largely what I did at my old job, too. "
Randall Munroe
Time
Funny
Good
" I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. "
Michael J. Fox
Marry
Funny
Up
" My hope is that we can spread the word: Wonder Woman is not some unapproachable goddess. She's funny, dangerous, intimidating, brilliant, and compassionate. In many ways, I think she's the most human superheroine there is. "
Gail Simone
Woman
Funny
Goddess
" Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. "
Hesiod
Your
Barn
Woman
" Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. "
Amy Poehler
Drive
Yourself
Remember
" Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "
Benjamin Franklin
See
Wine
Us
" Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. "
Brooke Shields
Funny
Your
You
" I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' "
Quincy Jones
Step
You
Play
" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Honest
Luck
Running
" If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another. "
Marie Helvin
Believe
Relationship
Time
" The funny thing about the people I don't like - they're very self-centered. "
Brendon Urie
Funny
Self-Centered
People
" A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. "
Milton Berle
Group
Committee
Funny
" If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? "
Abraham Lincoln
Wearing
Would
Funny
" I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. "
Will Rogers
Places
Day
See
" Everyone who has ever met me for at least five minutes knows I'm a really funny person. I love to laugh and to make people laugh, so writing comedy comes naturally to me. "
Simone Elkeles
Love
Me
People
" I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. "
Mae West
White
Snow White
Funny
" Let's have some new cliches. "
Samuel Goldwyn
Some
Cliches
Funny
" I used to write out of angst. My writing was quite miserable, quite angry, even when it was funny. It was based on this sadness and tired emotional disdain for the world. "
David Thewlis
Funny
Writing
Sadness
" Every man has a sane spot somewhere. "
Robert Louis Stevenson
Every Man
Funny
Spot
" Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. "
Emma Watson
Funny
College
Wise
" I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. "
Steve Martin
Professional
Fact
Best
" There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. "
Tim Heidecker
Nothing
Choices
Funny
" If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial. "
John Mulaney
Doing
Funny
Worth
" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
Emo Philips
People
How
Here
" I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. "
Kristen Stewart
Work
Funny
Talent
" All generalizations are false, including this one. "
Mark Twain
Funny
Including
Generalizations
" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "
Norm MacDonald
Surprises
You
Laugh
" I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. "
Winston Churchill
Funny
You
Ugly
" I started writing 'Southern Baptist Sissies' right after I had written the screenplay for 'Sordid Lives', so that's when I started on a darker path in telling the truth about my journey in the church, but there was still a lot of funny. "
Del Shores
Path
Funny
Truth