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" From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. "

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" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "

" For people who have done comedy after a certain point in time, I think there's a base level of, 'O.K., I think I'm decently funny.' But unless you just have some massive ego, I really think you're still fighting against that. "

" Even Napoleon had his Watergate. "

" What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. "

Jerome K. Jerome

" I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. "

" Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. "

" There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. "

Henry Kissinger

" Memories are doing funny things to us. "

" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "

" I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. "

" I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it. "

" If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. "

" The tour bus is always fun, and there's plenty of time to watch movies. Actually, Kanye introduced me to the movie 'Step Brothers.' We were sitting there, watching it and clowning around - it was so funny, man. "

" Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. "

" I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. "

" I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. "

" I never liked you, and I always will. "

" When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them. "

" Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. "

Stephen Hawking

" It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. "

" I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "

" There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. "

" Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons. "

" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "