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" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

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" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "

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" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

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" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "

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" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

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" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

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" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "