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" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "
Woody Allen
Had
Love
Over
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" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "
Woody Allen
Her
Want
Really
" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "
Woody Allen
Any
Time
Rest
" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
Woody Allen
Television
Life
Art
" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
Woody Allen
Your
Night
Saturday
" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "
Woody Allen
Guy
Hit
Some
" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "
Woody Allen
Said
Hard
Nature
" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
Woody Allen
Enjoy
People
World
" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
Woody Allen
Live
Want
Give
" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "
Woody Allen
Person
Movies
More
" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "
Woody Allen
Only
Money
Better
" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
Woody Allen
Armenian
Tried
Suicide
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
Woody Allen
Beverly Hills
Garbage
Television
" Marriage is the death of hope. "
Woody Allen
Marriage
Death
Hope
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
Woody Allen
Height
Team
Because
" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
Woody Allen
Try
Finding
God
" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "
Woody Allen
Bath
Come
Home
" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
I Am
Happens
Death
" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "
Woody Allen
Funny
Am
I Am
" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
Woody Allen
Showing Up
Seventy
Life
" I am two with nature. "
Woody Allen
Two
Am
I Am
" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "
Woody Allen
Death
Down
Things
" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "
Woody Allen
Last Night
Last
Luck
" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
Woody Allen
Numbered
Days
Why
" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "
Woody Allen
Once
Two
Run
" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
Woody Allen
Opposition
God
Loyal
" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
Woody Allen
Will
Want
Sick
" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "
Woody Allen
Me
Like
God
" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "
Woody Allen
Two
Body
Fun
" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
Woody Allen
Horrible
Divided
Life
" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
Afraid
Want
Just