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" I do think there are some great female comics: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph. They're the whole ball of wax. "
Carol Burnett
Great
Whole
Wax
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" I'm like your mother, your sister, whatever. "
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" Because of YouTube, I'm getting fan mail from 10-year-olds and teenagers and college kids. "
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" I'm into 'House of Cards.' 'Breaking Bad' - my God, did I binge on that! "
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" I'm not always optimistic. You wouldn't have all cylinders cooking if you were always like Mary Poppins. "
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" Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter. "
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" I do the 'New York Times' crossword puzzle every morning to keep the old grey matter ticking. "
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" I prefer doing TV, where it can be different every time. "
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" My first book was an open letter to my three daughters. "
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" Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me. "
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" I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie. The networks just wouldn't spend the money today. "
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" Because nobody goes through life without a scar. "
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Because
Without
" I loved doing 'The Family' with Eunice and Mama. They were very interesting because there were no jokes written into those sketches. It was all character-driven. And sometimes it got a little heavy. "
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Doing
Family
Loved
" I have an iPhone, and I can text, and I can use the phone, and I can even take pictures with it. "
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Take
Pictures
Phone
" I had it in my contract with CBS, a very weird clause that was never written before and certainly not since, that if I wanted to do a variety show within the first five years of the contract, CBS would have to put it on for 30 shows. "
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Variety
Weird
Show
" In '57, I got a job at the Blue Angel nightclub, and a gentleman named Ken Welch wrote all my material for me. I lived at a place called the Rehearsal Club that was actually the basis for a play called Stage Door. "
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Gentleman
Me
Job
" On the good days, my mother would haul out the ukulele and we'd sit around the kitchen table - it was a cardboard table with a linoleum top - and sing. "
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Sit
Good
Kitchen
" I've always been optimistic. And I have a feeling that it happened because of going to all those movies with my grandmother in the '40s because there was no cynicism. "
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Movies
Grandmother
Feeling
" You have to really want it, and don't take it personally if you don't get a job. Because sometimes you're not the type. And sometimes it's somebody else's turn. "
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Turn
Sometimes
Want
" It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington. "
Carol Burnett
Washington
Almost
Impossible
" Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away. "
Carol Burnett
Famous
Celebrity
Long
" Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own. "
Carol Burnett
Words
Own
Once
" My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better. "
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Way
Never
Better
" I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these? "
Carol Burnett
False
Like
You
" I was in California, and I was going to UCLA, and I knew I certainly didn't have movie star looks. I remember seeing pictures and photos of Ethel Merman and Mary Martin, who were kind of average looking. I said, 'Well, that's for me, then, to go back to New York and try to be in musical comedy on Broadway.' "
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New York
Remember
Me
" We don't stop going to school when we graduate. "
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Graduation
Going
Stop
" I was kind of shy as a kid. I was a pretty good student. I was a wallflower, or nerd, if you will. "
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Shy
Kid
Kind
" I was very entertained by Betty Grable and Judy Garland. "
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Entertained
Betty
Garland
" When I was starting out in this business, that was the norm. You did it all. You looked around, and entertainers could dance, sing, play the piano, act, make you laugh. "
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Play
Laugh
Business
" I liked myself better when I wasn't me. "
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Liked
Myself
Me
" When I was in college at UCLA, I took a playwriting course. I was all set to be a writer. But I had to take this acting class as a theater arts major. I had to do this scene in a one-act comedy. I just said this line, and then... this laugh happened. I thought, 'Whoa. This is a really good feeling. What have I been missing?' "
Carol Burnett
Laugh
Thought
College