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All Quotes by author - Carol Burnett

" Adolescence is just one big walking pimple. "

" As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in 'Dharma and Greg' was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing. "

" Ask anyone who's successful how they got there, you're going to hear a different story. "

" Because nobody goes through life without a scar. "

" Because of YouTube, I'm getting fan mail from 10-year-olds and teenagers and college kids. "

" But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh. "

" But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table. "

" Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away. "

" Comedy is tragedy - plus time. "

" Edgy is fine - I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination - but what's wrong with a good ol' belly laugh? I miss that. "

" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter. "

" Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. "

" I am not a joke-teller. Stand-up, I couldn't do. "

" I am not a person who yells at all, but I realized that I have always felt so good after doing the Tarzan yell, after doing Charo, or screaming as Eunice. "

" I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes. "

" I come from Texas, and my grandmother and mother were born in Arkansas. "

" I didn't really get comfortable until I got to UCLA, and I had to take an acting course because I was studying theater arts. "

" I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry. "

" I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these? "

" I don't watch sitcoms. I really don't. My problem with them is they take so long to film them that there's no spontaneity. I want to see that. "

" I do the 'New York Times' crossword puzzle every morning to keep the old grey matter ticking. "

" I do think there are some great female comics: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph. They're the whole ball of wax. "

" I eat very well, and I do Pilates. "

" If I go to a party, I'm not one to be the funniest person in the room at all. "

" I had a good loud voice and I wasn't afraid to be goofy or zany. "

" I had always been quiet and studious in school. I was the high school editor of the newspaper. "

" I had it in my contract with CBS, a very weird clause that was never written before and certainly not since, that if I wanted to do a variety show within the first five years of the contract, CBS would have to put it on for 30 shows. "

" I have a great memory. "

" I have an iPhone, and I can text, and I can use the phone, and I can even take pictures with it. "

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