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" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

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" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time. "

" Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away. "

" Obviously comedic styles do change. "

" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! "

" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "

" You write about what you know. "

" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. "

" I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom. "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "