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" I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. "

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" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" I have no secrets. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. "

" I am not honest. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time. "

" Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. "

" I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. "

" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch. "

" There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. "

" If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! "

" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "

" I don't have many friends. "