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" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

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" I have no secrets. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" I'm cranky. "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. "

" I don't have many friends. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "

" Drugs scared me. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" I am not honest. "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

" Most people think I'm immodest. "

" All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

" You write about what you know. "

" When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that. "

" Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "