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" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

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" Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "

" I believe in something. "

" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. "

" I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it. "

" I have no secrets. "

" Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally. "

" I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. "

" Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "