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" I don't think I've got bad taste. I've got no taste. "

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" I loved Lucille Ball growing up. "

" My mobile rang around lunchtime one day, and it was George Michael. He wanted to come in on Friday. We were like, 'okay, if that's what you want'. And he was a very good guest. That's a real exception to the rule. "

" I'm often dating people, but I don't say it because you sort of know it won't last long. "

" I do get pleasure from very inconsequential things, like shopping for clothes. "

" I'd like to retire at 50 but I don't want to sell papers in the middle of London on a Zimmer. "

" I've so exceeded what I ever wanted to do. "

" It sounds deeply shallow, but for brief spells every member of the public can be fascinating. "

" The higher your profile becomes, the more aware you are that people out there might hate you. "

" A comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them. "

" The only people who are desperate to go on the show are people we're desperate not to have on the show. "

" Some people think they're depressed and they go to the doctor and want pills. And you just think: 'You hate where you live, you've lost your job, your boyfriend has dumped you, could all this be why you're depressed?' "

" Basically, I'm a really bad interviewer. I love meeting celebrities, but then I get a bit bored. Once you meet them you thing, 'really, what an ordinary person'. "

" An awful lot of female celebrities are very beautiful whereas a lot of male celebrities are not so hot. "

" I've heard other gay people say when they were growing up they felt 'foreign.' Growing up, I was able to label these feelings as: 'I'm a Protestant.' It wasn't until I left, I thought: 'Oh, those weren't Protestant feelings.' "

" Tolerance is forced on people in London. "

" The BBC is a victim of its own independence. "

" I bet Maurice Gibb's heart monitor was singing the tune of Stayin' Alive. "

" One of the great things about being gay and out is that the papers couldn't care less about your love life. "

" It's amazing how I can just ramble on for hours, isn't it? And so unentertaining or uninteresting. But I can ramble on for hours. It's a sort of terrible gift, isn't it? "

" I was a failed actor but I still wanted to show off, so I ended up doing live comedy. "

" All my day is spent dealing with other people. When I come home I like it to be empty. The presence of others in my house kind of annoys me. I love coming home and shutting the doors. I feel brain dead. I'm relatively available, but not to live with. "

" I don't think anyone wants to be gay. "

" Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do. "

" My parents grew up working class, but in that way that working class families do, they spent a fortune on education to better me. "

" All my interesting stories are from before I was on television. Nothing interesting has happened to me since then. Maybe it's because the most interesting thing in my life is the show and that's on telly. "

" I don't think you should have to try to be nice, I think most people are nice. I think being cheerful and nice is just a politeness. "

" I always say I'd rather be miserable by myself than unhappy in a relationship. "

" The BBC will always be attacked by whoever is in government. It is that George Bush thing of 'If you're not with us you are against us.' "

" Those years between drama school and getting onto the stand-up circuit were pretty lean. "

" I have nothing to say about my childhood. It was a perfectly pleasant upbringing - it's not like it was unhappy or anything. "