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" Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do. "

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" Occasionally the state of the planet can knock me off my perky perch. "

" I spent a long time working in restaurants and making no money. It was very character-building, but I think it could have been built in a shorter time. "

" It's amazing how I can just ramble on for hours, isn't it? And so unentertaining or uninteresting. But I can ramble on for hours. It's a sort of terrible gift, isn't it? "

" My parents grew up working class, but in that way that working class families do, they spent a fortune on education to better me. "

" I am camp. Lots of gay men can't cope with their campness. They are in denial about it. "

" I have nothing to say about my childhood. It was a perfectly pleasant upbringing - it's not like it was unhappy or anything. "

" If it was possible for me to adopt, I probably would, but no one's going to let me adopt. "

" I do get pleasure from very inconsequential things, like shopping for clothes. "

" I'm actually quite self-sufficient, so it might look as if there isn't room for anyone in my life. That isn't entirely the case. "

" A comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them. "

" My mobile rang around lunchtime one day, and it was George Michael. He wanted to come in on Friday. We were like, 'okay, if that's what you want'. And he was a very good guest. That's a real exception to the rule. "

" Because society places a value on masculinity, gay men aspire to it. If you go to a gay club and the doorman says, 'You do realise this is a gay club, don't you lads?' you get all excited because you think, 'Wow, he thought I was straight!' "

" Well, certainly I think American television is - that's proper TV. "

" Basically, I'm a really bad interviewer. I love meeting celebrities, but then I get a bit bored. Once you meet them you thing, 'really, what an ordinary person'. "

" The BBC will always be attacked by whoever is in government. It is that George Bush thing of 'If you're not with us you are against us.' "

" I bet Maurice Gibb's heart monitor was singing the tune of Stayin' Alive. "

" The only people who are desperate to go on the show are people we're desperate not to have on the show. "

" I've so exceeded what I ever wanted to do. "

" An awful lot of female celebrities are very beautiful whereas a lot of male celebrities are not so hot. "

" All my interesting stories are from before I was on television. Nothing interesting has happened to me since then. Maybe it's because the most interesting thing in my life is the show and that's on telly. "

" The higher your profile becomes, the more aware you are that people out there might hate you. "

" The BBC is a victim of its own independence. "

" Where I get bored is when I show up for a shoot and they want me to wear a feather boa. Too obvious a thing for a poof on the telly to do. "

" My life could have been so grim... really, really grim. "

" I'm often dating people, but I don't say it because you sort of know it won't last long. "

" I think the word is adult! "

" I'd like to retire at 50 but I don't want to sell papers in the middle of London on a Zimmer. "

" All these people I interview are worth ten times what I'm worth. "

" You don't want to be hard to look at. Plain very good, hard to look at bad. The plain shall inherit the earth; time is our friend. "

" I don't think anyone wants to be gay. "