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" I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. "

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" Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me. "

" If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay. "

" Life is funny, and a lot of times, the people that I've met have really gone past anything that I've ever dreamed of, so I'm really grateful. My friendships really go from the West to the East. You'd be amazed at some of the people I call friends. "

" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't. "

Seann William Scott

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.' "

" Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. "

" There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. "

" I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience. "

" I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. "

" The tour bus is always fun, and there's plenty of time to watch movies. Actually, Kanye introduced me to the movie 'Step Brothers.' We were sitting there, watching it and clowning around - it was so funny, man. "

" I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "

" For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy. "

George A. Romero

" Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. "

" Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. "

Charles Dudley Warner

" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. "

" Filming is a funny combination of having a good time and not being able to wait until it's over. "

Nicole Holofcener

Having A Good Time

" Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. "

Henry Kissinger

" I'm crazy, funny, and good looking! "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. "

" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" Viral videos aren't just about being funny. They're about identity creation. "

" We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know? "

" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. "